the guestbook
***

description of older

LAGER

learning from mistakes - 2005-06-09
pole lotta love - 2004-09-16
count on this - 2004-09-12
rude girl xscrhcx - 2004-09-11
going out drinking beer - 2004-09-10

if you want to know you'll have to ask

nothing new to tell and nothing else to say

the end

think of this as my not so triumphant return. i will start from today and go backwards.

just then i set his picture on fire, one i kept by the bedside in my notebook, not the one of him sleeping but one of him laughing [prehaps at me for the sucker i am]. i burnt it in the laundry tub and watched his mocking face go up in smoke before i estinguished the flames with the dirty water pouring from the washing machine from the sheets we last had sex on, the same day he betrayed me and broke my fucking heart.

today i ate solids for the first time, i got some mersyndol so i'm not feeling a hell of a lot right now but anything is an improvement from wake-up, cry, yell, throw-up, yell, cry, spew again. i'm so fucking broken that i feel empty, like something died and there's this void that he used to fill and for once it wasn't only my cunt and i miss him and hate him in equal amounts but i'll never be able to love him or look at him the smae way again. we're not even speaking now.

the day before that i worked 8 hours crying in my breaks asking all the stupid questions, what did i do wrong? how could you do this to another person? who does something so mean to someone they supposedly love? why would you hurt someone so much? it was only yesterday you were telling me you loved me, that i was your ideal girlfriend. the week before that you wanted us to live together, you bought me a bike for my birthday so we could spend more time together. no straight answers and alot of fucking pain and hatred.

monday i woke up and forgot what had happened thought i should call him and then remembered why i couldn't i went to a homemakers warehouse, bought blue sports socks and hair conditioner and cried. tam tam and the master jam came over and we bitched and i emptied all reminants of him from my life.

sunday night i smoked a cone in an effort to numb the pain from banging my head against my car and from the sadness and anger i felt. i went home and didn't sleep and wished i was dead but never wanted to die for a second. it's easy for him to think i'm pyshco and crazy because he's never been hurt like this because he lives his life completely sheltered, because i would have never done to him what he did to me.

i want him to feel all my pain and cry all my tears cause i'm sick of this fuct up shit and i'm angry and hurt and there's so many people who i want to hurt too. any chick who makes out with a guy who knows has a girlfirend, who knows their fucking girlfriend is a dumb skank, i don't care how many fucking drugs you've taken. and so this brings me to saturday when he asked me to call him not once, but twice, because he was "going to miss" me and he never answered and i knew something suspo had happened and 2 years of friendship and love and everything went up in smoke just like his fucking picture.

i don't want any pity but i do want revenge.

before*A HREF="040507_9.html">after

hosted by DiaryLand.com