nothing new to tell and nothing else to say

the end

all the memories i'd rather forget always involve too much vommit and not enough love. lately the thought of killing myself has been comforting, not that i would be it's sort of reassuring but in a way that also scares me... i don't know if i'm expressing myself properly. i'm alright in a round about sort of fucked up way. i want so badly to be happy that it's making me sad.

i can't really tell anyone cause i don't want pity and maybe i'm posting this entry 'cause i do to some degree. i just can't find the words to say how sad/ stressed/ angry i am and feel no one can know the extent of it anyway. and i would get a reassuring hug and one of "those" looks and be sent on my way. the pills don't help, i just grind my teeth less.

fuck me... i told my dad i was quitting my job and he told me that i was going out too much and just same old a dad stuff... i didn't sleep last night cause i was in a cold sweat: part alcohol/ part lonliness. anyway it's really early now and i just got off the phone to him and i only just relised how little that man knows about me and partly it's my own fault but i also know that he would never understand or be able to accept some things.

i have so many wonderful things in my life that i could begin to find words to describe and i feel i don't appreciate them for all they are. i have no reason to be sad but i can't help myself. it just hurts to think at the moment.

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