nothing new to tell and nothing else to say

the end

there are no excuses.

this is hard to type because while the swelling in my right hand is going down i'm slowly watching it turn all shades of blue black purple and yellow. it's like that because i punched sb in the head. i know there are no excuses for it but i was really drunk and on all sorts of things and he lied to me about the stupidest thing and i got upset and lost it and he said why don't you just punch me then.

and i hit him as hard as my drunk little body could despite the fact that i never wanted to hurt someone i love so much. i hurt his hand becuase i hit it when he was covering his head. i don't know any other way to explain it and there is no way i can justify it... but i guess it's the way we were raised with the fist and sb's family is so placid and accepting and they never fight and i can only imagine that i wanted him to feel all my anger/sadness/pain/ or i don't even know what i was thinking i was so fucked up.

i can't change it now. i can't believe i did it. i'm so afraid i'm turning into my dad. there are no words for how bad it feels. i never want to do that to another person again... i keep thinking this never would have happened if he didn't hide things from me, if he had been honest with me, if i wasn't so drunk, but it's a vicious circle and i can't do anythign to change what happened. i'm so disappointed in myself and not proud of what i've done.

it ruined a perfect night... it was all going so well. on friday he took me to see pirates of the caribean [which was hell good... but not the point] then we went and got a beer and came home played darts and got stoned [the 1st time for me in almost3 years... and i know why i don't smoke pot is because it does my head in] and then we fucked and it was such a good night and for that time everything was how it should be.

later that day i went home and before walking up to sb's i skulled a fair bit of vodka and i hadn't eaten and i stopped taking my happy pills but did take some polaramine and then i polished them off with a couple of strongbow's and $50 of beer [i think that works out to be 20 beers... i lost count but i was so ratshit yesterday i watched 3 movies in a row then went for a skate and threw up alot] and talked to F1 about things, which really helped me work out what was going on because she saw me grow up and she knows what my dad was like[that's how i learnt to deal with my problems instead of talking about things it always came back to this] and it was good get her perspective i think it really helped lot but mostly it's just fantastic when we have the time to talk to eachother about everything.

my question to you who are reading this is could you forgive it if someone punched you? super-bruce said he could but i don't think i would so how can i except sb to forgive me... even though it wasn't entirely unprovocted but he never deserved that. i regret it so much. but it really opened my eyes and now i can learn from that and never do it again and become a better person from it.

IT SHOULD NEVER HAVE COME TO THIS

the phone at the house got disconnected on friday and i have deeply missed the sweet caress of radiation that comes from the internet.

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